Now, the first thing you need to kick off that Halloween party later is an OFF DA HOOK historical lecture.
I'll start.
Did you know that Halloween was once known in Druidic circles as "Hallsweer?"
It's true!
Ok, not so much. But you should totally make up a bunch of random factoids and see how long it takes your guests to throw you out the window.
Or just wish everyone a happy "Hallawen," and when questioned, insist that's how it's pronounced "in the old country."
"The Ambiguously Scared Trio"
Of course we can't let the night pass without saluting you, Mr. Failing-To-Grasp-The-Concept-of-Eyeballs-Man:
In the face of crippling chocolate eyeball shortages, you step up with something that technically still has eyes on it, AND is circular. Bravo, Mr. Failing-To-Grasp-The-Concept-of-Eyeballs-Man. Bra. VO.
(Srsly, the more you try to imagine the thought process that led up to this, the funnier it gets.)
And finally, to REALLY kick your party off right, just go to your local wreckery and order a cake with a "Halloween look."
I guarantee the result will be terrifying.
Or at least really funny.
(I especially like how they really captured the spirit of "Hallowee" with all that orange, blue, and green.)
Thanks to Courtney M., Dawn K., Michelle L., Cortni C., & Eric F., who I hear is a real whiz when it comes to Hallowee decorations.
Hey, you know what? I think we could all use a nice, relaxing post. Something safe, easy, and appetizing. Something that brings to mind happy places...
...and happy things.
So clear your minds, my friends, and let's think about happy little butterflies...
And cheeky little monkeys...
And sleepy little kittens...
And warm, friendly faces...
And, of course, giant, chocolate-dipped beetles:
See? All better.
Thanks to Claudia D., Dawna Z., Kimberly S., Tiffany, Lisa H., Brittany J., & D.L. for the breather.
*****
P.S., Speaking of relaxing things, remember when fidget spinners were a thing? Because I found the upgraded, double-duty version:
You get all 3 of these pretty spinner rings for $12, and the reviews say they're especially great for teens. These are an awesome way to keep your hands busy without being super obvious.
You know when you go to a haunted house, how there's the usual super scary corpse-undertaker-chasing-you-with-a-blood-covered-chainsaw section? And across the parking lot there's the happy-hayride-pumpkin-patch-and-face-painting-with-the-kids section? That's where you'll find today's Halloween Sweets. Today there's nothing to be scared about, except overdosing on cuteness!
Hmmm, speaking of jack-o-lanterns maybe I'll try to carve all of mine out of cake this year, because a) smaller odds of accidentally stabbing myself again, and b) tastier leftovers!
And that includes those newborn hedgehog pictures that are going around the internet and also my own children.
If some awesome person delivered these amazing cookies to my house, I would ban everyone from eating them, and display them as decorations instead. All year long.
It's never too soon to introduce the kids to Halloween, and not just because that means more free candy for you! (No, actually that's a good enough reason.)
(Coincidentally, if you are looking for a great Halloween movie, rent A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey, because that was the scariest shiz I've ever seen.)
The more I look at this cake, the more I'm floored by the details:
Tiny bones and fallen leaves. Itty bitty bats with fangs! Haphazardly hanging shutters! And so well-done too. I've never seen skeletons and gravestones looks so gosh darn adorable.
And finally, can you make it past the fearful fondling tentacles and eerie eyeballs of this cake? Beyond the ghostly guardian, over the circular sentinels, through the clingy cobwebs and up the slimy staircase to the haunted mansion?
You know how sometimes we like to zoom in to see all the wrecky details?
Well, it turns out sometimes we should zoom OUT.
Take this wedding cake, for example:
While I think you'll agree that finger-smeared "camouflage" is a true wonder to behold, there's no way for you to fully appreciate the entire artistic "tableau" - the one hinted at by that snippet of caution tape in the background - until you zoom out a ways:
I'll forgive the balloons, the little boot vases, and even the toy tractors - but two plywood boards balanced on a used tractor tire? That's time to take a stand, people. And burn it.
And, ok, since you insist:
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Where did those tiny deer come from?!
No, seriously, did you see any tiny plastic deer in those first two photos? 'Cuz I didn't.
Wait.
I just thought of something:
What if the deer were wearing camouflage?
{***}
That sound just then?
That was your mind being blown.
Many thanks to Anony M., who also provided a photo of the bridal party, but I've decided to protect the identities of the guilty. After all, any bridesmaid forced to wear a camo dress with a neon orange petticoat and cowboy boots has suffered enough, don't you think?
*****
P.S. I don't think I'll ever be OK with tires as cake stands, but they DO make pretty awesome travel mugs:
"Y! Hold on, Y! I can't...you're...you're slipping! Y!! NOOOoooOOOOooOOO!!"
Ahem.
And finally, my personal favorite:
The "Stop, Walk (Away), and LOL."
Thanks to Leigh M., Brenda S., Holly H., Ariel F., Victoria M., Mike S., Jenny B., and Lauren L. for really exploring the studio space. Before we're done here, you'll all be wearing gold-plated diapers.
The big day is coming, people, so before you hit the streets to go trick-or-treating, here are some useful "guidelines" for having a safe and scream-worthy night:
Never accept rides from strangers.
Especially if you see fingers hanging out of the trunk.
Wear reflective clothing:
Or just something so unbelievably hideous that people won't be able to NOT notice you. You know, like Crocs and a Speedo.(As a bonus: EVERYONE will want your picture!)
Watch out for roving gangs of lower-case Ms:
They're vicious this time of year. VICIOUS.
If you're trying to scare someone, don't yell "Boo!" It's not scary enough.
Instead yell, "SCARY BOO!"
It also helps if you throw spiders at them.
Never assume you know what someone's costume is.
One person's Elvis is another's Dracula, and you really don't need that kind of awkwardness.
"I vant choo to stay off ofmy blue svade shoos! Muah! Ah! Ah!"
ALWAYS SAY "THANK YOU."
Even if they give you crap candy like generic lollipops and little bags of candy corn*:
*Actual candy we will be giving out on Halloween. Plus little boxes of Milk Duds. Y'all come by, y'hear?
And try to look grateful when you're saying "thank you," too - not like this:
"This is my happy face."
Lastly, and mostly importantly...
BEWARE THE TOILET PAPER TERROR:
He also goes by "The Spirit of Gasses Past."
Thanks to Carly T., Leah K., Catherine S., Chryss A., Kris D., Chris B., Brianna M., Denil B., & Jennifer G. for really wiping the floor with these wrecks.
Remember that cake with a perfectly drawn Gerber Baby on it that was supposed to be a Gerber daisy?
Yeah, I love that one.
So needless to say, my day has just been made by this "Princess Crown":
So. Not. Kidding.
And according to Anthony N., his sister Gia is actually terrified of clowns, so this "did not go over well." Awww. Poor Gia! Doesn't she know that Mr. Demon McFangs there just wants to play?
With her entrails?
*****
I don't know about you guys, but when I get something unexpected in the mail, I can't WAIT to open it.
Well, unless it's a bill. Or junk mail. Or suspiciously soggy*.
Anyway, the point is, I think it's basic human nature to want to know what's inside a mystery container. To explore! To learn! To find potential new sources of money/fame/candy! C'mon, it's the basic premise of birthday parties, Christmas, and that whole Pandora-and-her-box thing.
Case in point: if someone handed you a large padded envelope and asked you to "please put this on my cake," and you were, you know, someone who makes cakes, would you...
A) Open the envelope to see what your customer wants printed on the cake
OR
B) Scan the OUTSIDE of the envelope and print that on the cake?
Survey says...
The answer is "Crystal Image Big Prints" clear!
Many thanks to Monica S., who reports she got this gem of a response when she complained:
"You never told me to look in the envelope."
Anyone else suspect this baker gets a lot of wrapping paper for Christmas?
*"Suspiciously Soggy" should totally be a band name. Make this happen, people.
*****
P.S. That reminds me: I don't know how often you mail stuff, but shouldn't it be in a prettier envelope?
Anyone else think the Halloween cakes are getting kinda handsy this year?
No, no. I mean, it seems like the designs are getting a lot...fresher.
"GOOSE!"
For example, some people might think these "pumpkins" represent huge...tracts of land:
Others might think it's a little chilly in here.
Hey, sure, bakers, just stick that candy corn anywhere:
I'd say the bat was a nice touch, but I think the ghost might disagree.
And when it comes to pumpkin cookies, this bakery offers up some stiff competition:
I'm surprised that they'd erect such a dinky display.
And while that might seem like a hard act to follow, it turns out there's more than one bakery trying to get ahead:
Psst. Bakers. Here's a tip.
Also, I think your problem stems from a cockeyed decorator with a testy disposition getting a good-natured ribbing from the bakery staff.
Ben, Kristen Z., Bevin C., Petra R., Zack J., and Sara W., these cakes salute you.
Sorry about that.
*****
P.S. You know how everyone is decorating with these cute wall bats for spooky season?
Well I found them on Amazon! They're re-usable PVC - so weatherproof - and cost less than $10 for a pack of 56. While you're there I highly recommend scrolling the customer image gallery, too, for cute decorating ideas like this.
We all have a favorite Tim Burton movie, be it Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Beetlejuice, or Alice in Wonderland. (No one's favorite is Planet of the Apes. FACT.) So to gear up for Halloween, let's check out some ghoulishly gorgeous Burton-inspired Sweets.
How about we start with a little visit to Halloweentown?
Every aspect of this cake represents the magic of the film: the ice sculpture, animal topiaries, brightly-colored houses, the hill to Edward's house, and of course... Edward's house!
Absolutely delightful.
Now, for the ghost with the most, for some laughter from the hereafter, for the slave to the grave... Get ready, because IT'S SHOWTIME!
Oh, and in all the research I did for this post, I found NO cakes for Frankenweenie or Mars Attacks! I do believe I've just given you your next mission, bakers. Hop to.
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cakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-10-31 01:00 pm
